So, this is awkward

I've started my new job and I really like it.

BUT...

There's this guy who I work with named Dave. Dave works in my department with me. It's just us. He's been there for 2 and a half years and he seems really nice. I mean, totally nice. He's a little annoying sometimes, but whatever. The most annoying thing he does is this...at least once a day:

"Now, DPH, I know that you smoke. And I just want you to know, that I don't judge you because of it, I don't think any less of you, I still think you're a wonderful human being and I just want you to know that. You're a big girl".

"Thanks Dave".

Really? Do you need to tell me that once a day? Great, I'm glad MY smoking habit doesn't bother you. Wanna see my tattoos so that way you can tell me all about how those dont bother you either and you don't judge me?

But really, I don't need to worry about it much longer. You see, Dave is going to be fired on Friday. Apparently the boss is sick of Dave's shit, and he ain't gonna take it no more.

But I KNOW that Dave is getting fired. This is awkward for me. I don't want to get to know the guy because for one thing, what's the point. For another, it will humanize him to me and then I'll feel even worse when he gets the ax. He's a single dad of 4 daughters. He's in his 50's and he's like a mix between my dad and Santa!

And to make it worse, he keeps making these cracks like, "oh, rue the day I ever agreed to take this job" and "Just give me a holler if you have any questions, I'm not goin' anywhere" YES YOU ARE DAVE. YOU'RE GETTING FIRED ON FRIDAY!!!! You're life is about to change dude, and I can't say shit!

I really hope that they let me go do an inspection while they're firing him. I mean, talk about EXTRA awkward when he comes in to clean out his desk and I'm sitting there looking at him like, I KNEW!

Beans, Beans, The Magical Fruit

So we had a pretty good 4th of July. But I think it will be most memorable for Ghost. He will forever remember that as the day that I started farting in front of him. And let me tell you, I'm gassy.

He's been farting in front of me since I think our last visit together before I moved here. I grew up in a household where farting was like singing. It just happened, and it was funny. One of my first phrases as a child was, "daddy, pull my finger". When my dad tucked us into bed at night, he would press his naked fat ass against the door and "let er rip"!

But I was never a fart in front of your boyfriend kind of girl. My friends? Yes. Usually on them, or if we're having a sleep over, I'm all about the dutch oven.

But the morning of the 4th, I woke up and my stomach was aching for sweet release. Ghost let one go, and I knew that if I tried to hop up and run to the bathroom to release the vapors in there, it would all just come flying out as I stood. So here's what happened...

Me: Babe, I can't hold it in anymore. Are you going to freak out if I totally bust ass?

Ghost: Nah, go for it.

Me: Are you sure? This isn't something that can be undone. Once you give me permission to fart freely, you may regret it.

Ghost: Yeah baby, go for it. I remember being at your house and holding it in and I remember how much my stomach hurt. Let your fart flag fly.

Me: *fuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrppppppppp* *giggle, giggle*

Ghost: *laughing his ass off*

Me: That sounded like a french horn...


So then all day long, that's what happened. We had farting matches. I'm pretty sure he regrets it now. But it's too late. Also, if you want to read another story explaining how disgusting I am, hop on over to PetiteGamine's blog and read about what she got to witness on skype last night.

Where's all the weirdos?

So I haven't run into any "weido's" yet. Well, unless you count the pregnant lady I saw holding a 40 of High Life. Or unless you count the guy at the gas station who I told I had just moved here the day before and then he asked to see my drivers license and when I produced it, he asked if I have a Colorado one. Um, no dude. I don't.

But I'm looking, that's for damn sure. I even made a semi-friend. I took the Punk to the park yesterday to go feed the ducks. There were no fucking ducks. Instead there were 3 little girls running in the pond trying to catch fish with plastic bags. Of course my Punk wanted to join in on the fun. The dad that was there with the 3 girls smiled at me, and his youngest took a liking to me and kept giving me rocks and bird feathers. So the dad and I started talking. It's amazing to me the kinship that people with a lot of tattoos feel for other people with tattoos. He has a shit-ton and a grip of piercings on his face (no thanks). Anyway, he was nice and we chatted for about an hour while all of the kids played. He told me some cool things to do in the area, where to get tattooed, etc. When I was leaving, he gave me his number and said to send him a text next time I go to the park and he'll meet me there. I texted him to give him my number also and he texted me back and said, "next time, you should bring some vodka in your pirate cup, and I'll bring a mixer. That way the parents and kids can have fun at the park". My kind of person.

Do you think it's weird for me to be friends with a guy? I don't, and Ghost is fine with it. But as I typed that out, I thought, other people might find that odd. Whatever. Go fuck off if you do. He's the first person I've met out here besides Ghost's ex wife and her roommate and as much as I genuinely like them, they're not going to be my new BFF's.

Anyway, that's all that's going on over here. I'm liking the area and Ghost and I are having a great time being together. We laugh constantly and hump a few times a day. Life is good.

Also, we are going to do a live video broadcast on U-Stream on Friday night. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's basically like a live TV show with us on it and there's a chat room where you can interact with us while we're on. We'll post a link tomorrow on where to go to watch it. But for now, we need your feedback. What do you want us to talk about? My socks? Nooners? The ex wife? You tell us! Leave me a comment and let me know what you want to hear about!

Do you like my socks??

So...we are lazy and made a video instead of actually blogging. Peace out. I hope you enjoy.

Coming to you LIVE, from Denny's

I went to court this morning to resolve my final outstanding issue (read: I'm a criminal). I got there at 7:30 this morning, stood in line for 20 min only to be told I didn't have to wait in that line, that I could just go straight to the courtroom.

So up I go, prepared to sit there for a few more hours. 9:15 the judge calls my name. I pull out my forms and throw my heartbreaker smile on. He smiles back and says, you'll have to come back at 11:20 so that I can view the video, I'm sorry you've had to wait.

So here I sit in the Denny's, a table for one. I've never eaten "alone" before, but its really not at all weird or awkward. Of course, I have my trusty BlackBerry, so that makes it better :)

Only 4 more days until the big move and I have lots to do! Luckily the Punk is with her dad this weekend, so I can get a lot more done. I have a girl coming to pick up my fridge tomorrow morning, so I need to go get a cooler to keep my beer cold in. Cause it would just be tragic if I had to drink warm beer.

Well, that's all for today folks. You should totally go watch the new epidode of BoomTube over at Betsey Booms' place. Its great. Plus? The text message that her husband almost reads on air is from me. Thank god he didn't read it all, lol.